COS' WE ARE WINNERS FOREVER

[yao] crisis of faith says:

haha it's up to your interpretation

maybe when you stand by the person no matter what

xian - eloquent but narrow says:

yalor

damn weird

[yao] crisis of faith says:

but i think loyal friends do that too

xian

xian - eloquent but narrow says:

true true!

[yao] crisis of faith says:

in 4L i know Antonio* always stood up for me

xian - eloquent but narrow says:

as in Antonio?

[yao] crisis of faith says:

yup haha he was my best friend

but you know sometimes

xian - eloquent but narrow says:

ooooh

um hmm?

[yao] crisis of faith says:

when we get into friendships too fast too strong

you tend to want to pull back

ive experienced that quite a few times before

and im afraid i pulled back in sec 4 like the most ive ever pulled back

and we've stopped really talking since

i guess that can count as one of my biggest social regrets and mistakes haha

xian - eloquent but narrow says:

ahhhh

[yao] crisis of faith says:

it's really unfair to your friends when you do that

xian - eloquent but narrow says:

um hmm i agree

[yao] crisis of faith says:

especially if they put a lot into the friendship

i dont think he knew what was happening haha

xian - eloquent but narrow says:

ya its not very nice

*Names changed to protect privacy

Sorry friends but sometimes I really need my space and then life steps in to screw us up and I’m actually quite a terrible friend to have because when I’m feeling sian at life I just stop trying too! It’s not that I don’t know what’s happening or I want some things to happen, but if you know me you know I tend to act according to my feelings and what I love (such a selfish on the spur of the moment bitch I know) and it’s difficult to force things sometimes. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m sorry for all the social faux pas and regret the mistakes I’ve made.

Yesterday I had this puzzle which I couldn’t figure out. What is love exactly? When do we know that we are in love, and not just having a crush or a mere attraction? (Everyone has crushes to differing extents, and I once knew a girl who went through 6 boys in 2 months) Can infatuation actually be mistaken for love? How do we know what we’re experiencing is love exactly?

Quoting Joey out of context: “I want to jump on him”. Is sexual interest love or mere lust? If lust isn’t love, which I sincerely don’t think it is, then I think love develops from friendship and emotional attraction. Then again, sometimes even the line between strong liking for a friend and an emotional crush is extremely thin.

Someone told me that love cannot be labeled, and is not meant to be defined. There are no boundaries or distinctions, because it is just a feeling you get. When you keep thinking of the person, when you smile when you think of the person or talk to him/her, and when you feel bubbly and happy inside just from talking to the other person. How amorphous and dodgy, but extremely true.

I think love is an undefinable feeling that comes in degrees. There cannot be definite stages or distinctions of levels because honestly it’s impossible to measure the amounts of it you have. Instead it is a continuum, a gradient of varying degrees and sometimes we fluctuate, but love is when you are with the person who makes you smile the most and makes you want to burst with emotion. Though not in your loins because I think that is lust. So I will not worry anymore about whether I love, or I’m just attracted to. Because it’s all the same.

Someone told me that he had thought about this same question the whole year. He said that his crush was a boy and told me who it was. I was suitable impressed by his bravery and implicit trust in me. But then again, I think sometimes we are willing to tell our secrets and worries to people who we trust but are not that close to us because sometimes those same people are the ones who won’t judge you or will not be around you every day of your lives to pity you. We all hate people who pity us, and sometimes we worry what they are thinking when they look at us. Anyway after thinking about what he told me and that it could never work out, I think the greatest sorrow is to love someone, and not have any chance at all of having a relationship because of such a situation as above. At least ugly girls still have a chance at getting with hot boys however infinitesimally small it is. If unrequited love can be so painful, impossible love must be –beep-

Ah well xian and I have the weirdest emo talks, and she told me to take the colourgenics test whenever I’m feeling weird :D And it’s really quite true actually. "You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone. You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way "

Well that’s quite true because these few days I’ve been a bad boy, arguing with my father every chance I get. Actually he argues with all of us because he insists on having this perfectly organized and structured house and household, every little thing is a personal affront. I cannot stand how people can accommodate him just because they are scared of him, sometimes I think people need to tell him in the face what’s wrong or what they feel because a family isn’t a dictatorship.

"Hey, later some of my friends will be coming over to see the house."

I thought it would be 3 aunties, but it when i walked down the stairs to give a perfunctory greeting i met like 3 big families. An especially appalling fact given that i was only dressed in my normal too-big comfortable home clothes while they were all nicely dressed with half of them teenagers my own age. (good looking to boot!) CRAPP i felt totally under dressed and self conscious (and i hate feeling inferior), and actually it's only because there were teenagers there that i felt this way. Don't you think it's strange that sometimes we value the opinions and way other teenagers view us than what adults think of us? Even stranger considering that adults' opinions are probably more mature and should thus matter more.

But anyway, i guessed that they were from church (where else can you find youth from a huge range of ages whose families know each other well), and one of the guys who i thought was like 20+ was my old church friend. Haha when his mother introduced him, i was like "Jacob... from good news kids?" He doesn't remember me ): But the only reason i remember him was somehow cos we played toy story together LOL. He's my age. And i thought he was 20+ not because he looked ugly and old (in fact he's quite good looking lol), but because he was DAMN big sized and mature looking. No wonder considering that he's been living in Australia for a while and's now in NS. I find that people overseas tend to look much older relative to us! So that's the first thing i realised. (plus his brother who's two years younger than me is just as huge and still looks older than me and i think they like to gym too)

And the second thing i realised, is that PSC psychometric test was right. I am socially awkward and shy. I AM A LOSER ): Like i've met a whole bunch of youth i have never seen in a long time, and i really wanted to get to know them again (i love getting to know new people!) But i couldn't work up the courage to talk to them more. Okay it was a two way mutual awkwardness and silent agreement to sit on the fence between the decision of "to talk" or "not to talk". We tried, like start-stop question-answer. WHY AM I SO AWKWARD AT THIS ): Okay i just couldn't think of what to say or how to become friends again in the limitless expanse of 10 minutes that was left to us.

The last thing i realised, is that i love meeting new old friends! Especially new old young friends! Though our meeting was awkwardly short and painfully unenlightening, i still walked away with an inexplicable feeling of exuberance. I feel like bursting and telling the world my news, so here i am again (: telling the world the news of my not-quite joyful meeting with potential (which was not met) new friends. omg i really am a loser ):

I just read my previous posts again. And I really felt like crying ): I'm so so different from who i used to be, WHAT i used to be. I don't think i can ever be the person that i was, or have the environment and friends that i used to have again. I'm not saying that my life as it is now is for the worst, but I cannot exactly say that I am glad of every aspect that I have changed in (: (definitely not!)

2008 has been a fantastic year, with SO MANY new things, realizations, exciting friends and responsibilities! It's the first year of my life of truly being a fully retired swimmer, and though i didn't think i would ever say this, I'm glad that i made the decision to do something new that i like. I still like swimming! But I only stayed cos of the friends, and it was one of the constants in my life (there are precious few constants now, so best friend i treasure you all the more for it!). Haha so isn't it terribly surprising now that i hardly even know any of the old ssc swimmers anymore! We used to call ourselves such old friends, but i guess it's just part of learning what life is about, when this year i find that we get so caught up with so many new friends and things that we cannot even find the time to go out with each other anymore (not even once!). Haven't talked to any of you for ages, should go out soon! (but that's we always say right you busy people). I guess sometimes, it's a matter of prioritizing!

I realise i may sound a bit sardonic, cos I may fail to realise that other people have more important commitments or even funner friends to hang with. But one of the things that I've learnt this year, is that we really really need to look back once in a while, and make time to reconnect with old friends and strengthen old ties. Don't you want to be able to look back 20 years down the road, and still share a common history that you can laugh about and draw strength from, with one of your closest and oldest friends? (Naomi i love you!) It would be a great shame if 20 years down the road you would pass your childhood friend you spent 10 years playing with, and not be able to recognise them. Not because of the difference in physical appearances, but because you forgot the people of your childhood.

One of the reasons i find myself blogging again, is because I am really really scared of the possibility that in the future, when i walk down nostalgia lane the only thing i would remember would be the bare facts of my childhood. The schools i came from, teams i swam with, awards i won. But i think when we grow old, those things aren't the kind of things we want to remember! Sure, that's what we are all aiming for now, but i think I want to reminisce about each and every important event of my life. Every outing i had, every training i died in, every practice i laughed at, every performance i had! I'm loving how my life is currently, LOVING IT ALOT, and the thought of forgetting everything makes me want to cry. So nowadays, i realise when i spam photowhoring, part of me wants to be able to treasure every moment of my life, and be able to keep the enjoyable moments i have with all my friends forever in some form.

Another thing that 2008 has made me realise, is that time passes too fast, and in such a way that it leaves you feeling that you've been cheated somehow. Because we are too caught up in the moment sometimes, or fail to truly realise how we can never go backward, but only forward all the way; we never truly really learn to enjoy and appreciate each moment of our life. Sometimes council work gets too fricking tiring and late at night we all keep complaining to go home. But 2 years down the road, when we are all on our separate paths (half of us in N-fricking-S!), i think we would really wish to go back to the times we spent with our friends, be part of the 28ths again, be a councillor again and resume all the tiring work we do (: (with so many many good friendships and fantastic memories too!). We must always try to enjoy each second of our lives with all our heart and sincerity, because that's the only way to live life with no regrets. I already regret that i didn't enjoy 2008 fully enough (even the horrible campaigning season omg, and especially orientation! it passed way too fast), because already i feel like going back (: I want to fully appreciate each second, so that I can be satisfied with moving on, and not let happy moments with my blessed friends just fly by me to become stale memories. Life rocks so we should fully enjoy it! (i know i've been saying life sucks, but that's because i'm stressed okay!)

In 2008, I'm so glad i made the big decision to run for council (i didn't intend to be serious about it even up till the interviews!), and to join dance (albeit that has mulitudes of problems attached). Quitting swimming was quite a sure thing already la. Getting jaded, falling out of touch with friends, and feeling like getting out of the pool the moment you start warm up is never a good indication of happiness!

Council has provided me with so much fun, learning and joy that i can never imagine not joining. I am so so greatful for the amazing numbers of friends i have found here, for the support they provide me, and fun we have together (:

Services! We are totally the bitchiest nicest group ever, and we have just SO much synergy it's damn amazing. Thank god i joined services cos i can't imagine working with any other group of people, and which other group would be so retarded! Haha we need to become less bitchy though! (that's only wen yuzhou and fang actually cos Hiok and I are not bitchy at all) Wen, yuzhou, fang and hiok I love you guys!
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PUI (: you may not know it but you make me so happy! Haha i am really really glad that you joined council too cos at least one of my best friends from RI can continue to build memories together with me. You always make me laugh haha but sometimes during school you can be terribly mood-swing okay!
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There are alot of people in council who have made me SUCH A LUCKY PERSON, love you guys so much (: xian, hoho, cheryl ang (LAODA), chiobu boss woman, wangwang, td, mingming, cheryl teo, and so many more. You guys (actually 90% of council la huh, like 80 people) have me the happy person i am most of the time (: and i never used to be this outgoing and strong! (y) I must say, i become stronger, and a better person merely from being a part of the 28ths :D
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I'm really glad i joined (modern) dance too, but i have also learnt alot of lessons from this choice. Haha when i first got in i was so excited and happy okay! I honestly did not expect to get in (: I must say, I loved it at the start, and i still love dancing alot. I may not be very good, but i still enjoy dancing (even if i look damn ugly noobing around haha). I think joining dance, has taught me some of the biggest (and harshest) lessons about myself. I think all of us naturally like to feel good about ourselves, but sometimes when i think about how i used to think and feel during certain pracs, I urgently feel a need to become more mature in my thinking, and more accepting of other people! Not everyone needs to be seen, if you're good you'll naturally draw people's attention no matter where you are. And if you're just horrid you'll make people puke if you're right in front anyway. Things always have a way of being more than they seem, just because we are not looking at things from an audience's (this isn't referring to dance performances specifically, about life in general) POV, never stand in the shoes of the people around us, but always observing and making judgments from our little narrow corner. Don't you think that is terribly unfair!

This year, I have learnt from people like yanhan and sharon (extremely horrific superwomen), to always be able to be mature, and see things from the view of everybody, and take charge of your own life. When you find yourself in a bad situation, don't you think that the best option to take would be to try to make the best of things and try your best to make things work, while learning from the experience! I don't want to ever be stuck wallowing in despair, and being a complain king, just because that would be so embarrassing even as i seem like a mere child in comparison to the successful mature people around me. We must always give others a chance too. Even when we hear bad things about someone, or have already made our own judgments of the person based on our own observations and interactions with him/her, it is no reason for us to treat the person badly and make life tough for them.

I think there have been so many instances this year that i have acted too immaturely, and stupidly (i cringe whenver i think of them!), a lot of people must have formed negative impressions of me from those experiences. Even if life is being really unfair, or someone is being a real bitch, what we must always do is to take it in our stride, and just make the best of things! People will not like you for being bitchy and hating the person (even if they share the exact same feelings too), but people will definitely admire you for always being able to be so mature in your interactions with others, and in dealing with situations in life. Turn our complaining into constructive assessments, and negative thinking into positive thinking, and I'm sure that's half the battle won (:

We should also NEVER, EVER, begin any interaction with anyone on a bad note, or form a negative dead-end relationship with them just because we do not like them. I am ashamed to say that I have formed some negative impressions of certain people this year, just because of what i hear from my friends, and superficial things i see of them; and when i actually do begin to really interact with them i find that they are just cool human beings like all the rest of us, albeit with their own faults (which all of us have!). Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves, and everyone is interesting have redeeming qualities in their own way! We should never be too quick to judge, and as a result, be too quick to make assumptions just because we think we know better. Always keep and open mind, and an open heart (: I am also ashamed to say that i have actually shown my annoyance and negative feelings on occasion (especially in dance i am so sorry i don't know why i get so pissed), and actually make everyone feel stressed or unhappy. I think being the doom cookie is never good! And even though you may feel really dissatisfied, it is never justifiable to show your anger or confide your annoyances in others, because it would just add to the overall feelings of stress and discord. No one likes you for that, and no one would think better of you or understand you if you do not voice your opinions out in a mature and non-accusatory manner. (I must become more open-minded and less selfish!)

I regret that dance is nowhere as bonded or united as council, and my swim team, may have been. But i realise that sometimes we just don't give it a chance, or each other a chance. If we have something to say and don't say it out loud, that's definitely going to cause distrust and ill-feelings. If we want to be "glam" and exclusive no one can blame people if they do not want to hang out with you just because they have better friends cos you don't make space to welcome them. If all we want is for the world to see us (i must say, a lot of dancers are like this, not that this is bad! but isn't that natural for a dancer? after all, we may join dance because we like dancing, but part of it is also because we like people to watch us, and that is where a lot of false pride and selfish-ness stems from), then we cannot blame people if they say we are fake and stuck up.

Okay i think if anyone ever reads this i would have made alot of enemies so moving on! I think that in 2008, some of the things i regret most (besides the things i already mentioned up there!), would be:

1. Not keeping my promises to myself
So many times, i told myself i would do this and that, and as usual procrastination occurred! (or i plain forgot), but in retrospection, if i had managed to be disciplined and actually did everything i wanted to do, i could have so much more than i have now, experienced so much more than i have, and be so much more than i am now. Life gives us all the time and opportunities that we need, but all we need to remember is that we need to seize them and make them ours. (that's how the successful people do it! they can't all be geniuses!) A big regret in this area would be my promos, SATs, council work, and those lyrical jazz lessons i always found excuses to not go for! Also all the catching up with old friends that never happened, just because i never got around to doing them.

2. Neglecting my studies (YOU HAVE NO IDEA)
No comment. NEED TO FOCUS NEXT YEAR.

3. Being afraid to do something I know i would later regret not doing
This is something i made up by myself (so proud of myself thanks), and something that has been a daily note in my phone since july now. It's to remind me of missed opportunities, and missed friendships, just because we are afraid of failing, of not liking what we chose, or afraid of being rejected (this is effing scary). I am afraid of so many things. But i think the fear which makes us not be able to show our true selves, not be able to act normally, and not be able to reach out and grab hold of the things we actually really want, is something we have to overcome and remind ourselves about. Life can be so much better! Not everything will end badly, and not everyone will reject you being their friends, or not say hi to you when you say hi to them. That's one of the ways i learnt to be more outgoing and to make so many friends this year, just because i wasn't afraid (agreed part of the new courage stemmed from the realisation that alot of people thought i was really nice and cute, but the lesson about humility shall be talked about in another post). But there are still so many instances when i was afraid to go for the chance, or to open my mouth just because i was afraid, and don't you think that's SUCH a stupid reason to not get happiness? Don't regret not doing something just because you were afraid or lazy to do it in the first place, because the decision to overcome that always lies in your hands!

4. Not realising that life is how we live it
Life is how we live it! Think about it, and if you realise what it means, you can sms me to thank me! (This is another constant reminder in my phone haha)

5. Smoking through life
I think if we do something, it isn't very great to make your achievements sound bigger than they actually are, just because you want people to think better of you. Neither should we twist the truth, and make half lies/truths for the same reason, or to save us from embarrassment. Even worse, it is a bigger shame if we make excuses for work we haven't done, or make meagre half done work sound complete and bigger than they actually are. I would be lying if i said that no one was judging you but yourself. But then again, how can we be proud of our actions, or claim to be successful when half our life was made up of embellishments and smoking? The most successful and respected people are those who make light of their achievements and do not bandy them around, they are also the people who do only what they said they have done, and always do what is expected/needed of them. (I'm glad there are so many good examples this year i can learn from!) You do not need to make your ahievements sound better than they really are, or say that you have done things you haven't done, just to gain other people's approval - IT'S EMPTY APPROVAL.

For 2009 i must:

1. Keep my promises to myself
2. Keep an open mind
3. Be more mature
4. Be more understanding and be able to approach every situation with a positive attitude
5. Give everyone and equal chance
"To make new friends, you have to be one yourself" - chiobu boss woman
6. Remember the past even as i move forward in life
7. BE DISCIPLINED AND STUDY HARD (a recurring resolution every year)
8. Appreciate and enjoy each and every moment of my life
9. Set goals
10. Love life (: and try my best no matter what! (don't you think that instead of spending 1 hour doing something half-heartedly, and just wasting our time, our 1 hour could be better spent by concentrating and putting in your best in whatever you choose to do!) We have so little time to do the things we want to do, or live the life we want to live, so we should make full use of what we have and be accountable to ourselves by giving our best each time.


HAPPY 2009 (:

Before everything went into fast forward, and before the whirlpool rush of emotions and events that began on thursday night, i was running laps with nat around the pool. I had heard stuff but it still hadn't hit me yet, and i thought i would be stronger than that. But then while i was running, wang jiao lian asked me what my plans were, and in the middle of my first sentence i just choked up and had trouble controlling myself. I couldn't say another word or i would have just started to cry. Haha it was a surprise really, i had to run to the toilet after that, even before training really started.


After that, that thursday was a maelstorm of emotions and rage, but what i will forever remember would be that worst training ever at ssc, where everyone just sat there in despair and defeat. Haha it was impossible to control myself, and even worse when i asked kat and gohgoh if they could stay, and they said maybe not. That sums it up, the reason for my fears and my despair. For like i said before training, it doesnt hurt that bad that im losing such a great coach, but it hurts very badly that im gonna lose my team.


Since primary one, i have been swimming at ssc. And since then, it has been my second home, and the friends there have been special to me in a way, because we can't help feeling better about people you have known since young and have swum with for a long time. It's almost like a family you've known and swum with since young. Like wang jiao lian told me today while we were talking and reminiscing, "these are the people who we've "pei yang" (brought up) from young to old". There, these are the people who coaches like wang jiao lian have seen and taught when they were 6,7 years old, when yiwen was still in primary four, and i was still in elementary.


These are the people who have been swimming in the club for as long as i can remember, going through all the coaches, the squads and the sets, sometimes with me, sometimes not. But we had a common identity, with ssc as our home and our team since we were young.


I daresay i know most of the places in ssc now. I will forever remember the old sports building, where we did our dryland, either in the gym or outside. The third floor where we did dryland while it rained. The swimming office where we used to steal biscuits from and where we used to hang out while waiting for jaan. I will remember the squash courts and the stairs!


I will also really remember the old toilets where we played. Where we ran around naked when we were young (hahaha). Where we ran to for refuge when we cried. Where we bathed and gathered in before and after training. Where secrets were exchanged, where we changed in everyday.


Where they played soccer. Where mansheng and kenneth made me laugh so hard. Where i would run to to cry when i had to. Where we would bathe alone in the wee hours of 530am morning, during training. And feel pretty damned scared and alone haha.


Because these places and memories were an integral part of my life as a swimmer, and i shared these things with all my friends i love.


Well, what happened these few days forced me to think. Without my squad, the team that i loved so much, do i still WANT to swim? I don't know anymore. Obviously i don't swim because im a top swimmer or because i want to represent my country. But i think, that i swim because of 3 reasons. I swim for my friends, i swim because i love swimming, and i cannot imagine not being a swimmer after having been one for such a long time already.


Today, i was the only one from my batch, my generation, at training, up until elliot came late at 5.40pm. If it will be like that, if i do not have my old friends anymore who i go to swimming for to see and to swim with, if we will never swim as a team under jaan again, i really don't think i will have the heart to continue swimming hard anymore.


Mayumi quit ssc yesterday, and she has always been one of those who i have seen as one of the oldest, and solid parts of my ssc team, because she always seemed like she would be part of ssc. So i dont know, with so many people gone already, and even more trying out sac, csc, and ace this week and the next. I really don't know what to do.


I dont want to quit swimming. Because i love the sport, and i truly love the memories it has given me, EVERY SINGLE aspect of being a swimmer. But i don't really want to go through each session alone with small kids only, with my old team-mates gone to the other clubs, with the friends i have known and swum with since young now at other places and making me feel foreign and weird.


But i do not want to change club, because even if i do, i think i will still miss ssc so so much, even with only the small kids here at training, and evil people throughout the club (ooohhh scary, hitler like stupid people heehee), it still feels like home. Albeit a very empty one.


So i still don't know what i'll do, and i cant help feeling defeated with everything that's happening. All i want to do is wait, and hope for the best. But i still am so scared and i dont just want to wait and be left with nothing, even if there's nothing i can do.


My ssc elite squad, batch of 2004-2007 under our best coach jaan! We have trained together since young, we have memories of each other at such young ages that few others outside of our team would have of us. We have supported each other, gone out together and played so much together. Gala nites, maydays, our bazaar stall where we raised 1000 DOLLARS together, our captains! :D, all our telematches from when we were young (I was in dolphin! WINNERS), all our relays, all the asean cups, all the JICs, all the open champs, all the midget meets, all the JAGS/NAGS, all the school nats. All our movies, all the dinners at the club, when we used to play catching at the playground before training, where we inevitably had some of our crushes secret or not! We have shared so much together, and we have loved this team so much. There are just too many memories i think we wont forget.


I really still dont understand why this is happening, and i dont want anyone else to leave. But. Yeo, addy, howe, kat, benho, kang, yang, yang again, rachgoh, mayumi, yiwen, orion, kenneth, peck, russ, gareth, emily, samm. And even people like tammie, nat, michelle, bengoh, shinhan, t-yunn, den, douglas, elliot, sopisa, orisa, and such. I will miss this team so fucking much! Forever and ever you bet on it. I don't know what will become of us, what you guys are gonna do, or what i will do, but i just hope that you all will stay, so that i will have a reason to still be happy swimming. I LOVE YOU GUYS AND THIS TEAM SO MUCH.


To lose anyone of you will be a pain, and the risk of losing the whole team, is just too painful for words, because it is what i really swim for. I knew that it would end one day, but i didnt think this soon or sudden, while i am still a swimmer and am still swimming. I don't know what to do, but we're SSC SWIMMERS, SSC ELITE SQUAD 2004-2007, JAAN'S SWIMMERS forever and FUCKING FOREVER.

(PLEASE DON'T LEAVE, COS IF YOU THINK CAREFULLY, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LEAVE? WE CAN DO THIS, AND WE SHOULDN'T SPLIT JUST BECAUSE WE WANT TO SHOW OUR UNHAPPINESS. LOVE PEOPLE!)

PS: MAYDAY NEXT YEAR EVERYONE COME TO THE CLUB AS A TEAM AGAIN! SET!


PPS: IF YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS THE SORT OF SHIT THAT YOU CAUSING RIGHT NOW, AND YOU DON'T CARE, EAT MY SHIT YOU FAT ASS!