COS' WE ARE WINNERS FOREVER

Before everything went into fast forward, and before the whirlpool rush of emotions and events that began on thursday night, i was running laps with nat around the pool. I had heard stuff but it still hadn't hit me yet, and i thought i would be stronger than that. But then while i was running, wang jiao lian asked me what my plans were, and in the middle of my first sentence i just choked up and had trouble controlling myself. I couldn't say another word or i would have just started to cry. Haha it was a surprise really, i had to run to the toilet after that, even before training really started.


After that, that thursday was a maelstorm of emotions and rage, but what i will forever remember would be that worst training ever at ssc, where everyone just sat there in despair and defeat. Haha it was impossible to control myself, and even worse when i asked kat and gohgoh if they could stay, and they said maybe not. That sums it up, the reason for my fears and my despair. For like i said before training, it doesnt hurt that bad that im losing such a great coach, but it hurts very badly that im gonna lose my team.


Since primary one, i have been swimming at ssc. And since then, it has been my second home, and the friends there have been special to me in a way, because we can't help feeling better about people you have known since young and have swum with for a long time. It's almost like a family you've known and swum with since young. Like wang jiao lian told me today while we were talking and reminiscing, "these are the people who we've "pei yang" (brought up) from young to old". There, these are the people who coaches like wang jiao lian have seen and taught when they were 6,7 years old, when yiwen was still in primary four, and i was still in elementary.


These are the people who have been swimming in the club for as long as i can remember, going through all the coaches, the squads and the sets, sometimes with me, sometimes not. But we had a common identity, with ssc as our home and our team since we were young.


I daresay i know most of the places in ssc now. I will forever remember the old sports building, where we did our dryland, either in the gym or outside. The third floor where we did dryland while it rained. The swimming office where we used to steal biscuits from and where we used to hang out while waiting for jaan. I will remember the squash courts and the stairs!


I will also really remember the old toilets where we played. Where we ran around naked when we were young (hahaha). Where we ran to for refuge when we cried. Where we bathed and gathered in before and after training. Where secrets were exchanged, where we changed in everyday.


Where they played soccer. Where mansheng and kenneth made me laugh so hard. Where i would run to to cry when i had to. Where we would bathe alone in the wee hours of 530am morning, during training. And feel pretty damned scared and alone haha.


Because these places and memories were an integral part of my life as a swimmer, and i shared these things with all my friends i love.


Well, what happened these few days forced me to think. Without my squad, the team that i loved so much, do i still WANT to swim? I don't know anymore. Obviously i don't swim because im a top swimmer or because i want to represent my country. But i think, that i swim because of 3 reasons. I swim for my friends, i swim because i love swimming, and i cannot imagine not being a swimmer after having been one for such a long time already.


Today, i was the only one from my batch, my generation, at training, up until elliot came late at 5.40pm. If it will be like that, if i do not have my old friends anymore who i go to swimming for to see and to swim with, if we will never swim as a team under jaan again, i really don't think i will have the heart to continue swimming hard anymore.


Mayumi quit ssc yesterday, and she has always been one of those who i have seen as one of the oldest, and solid parts of my ssc team, because she always seemed like she would be part of ssc. So i dont know, with so many people gone already, and even more trying out sac, csc, and ace this week and the next. I really don't know what to do.


I dont want to quit swimming. Because i love the sport, and i truly love the memories it has given me, EVERY SINGLE aspect of being a swimmer. But i don't really want to go through each session alone with small kids only, with my old team-mates gone to the other clubs, with the friends i have known and swum with since young now at other places and making me feel foreign and weird.


But i do not want to change club, because even if i do, i think i will still miss ssc so so much, even with only the small kids here at training, and evil people throughout the club (ooohhh scary, hitler like stupid people heehee), it still feels like home. Albeit a very empty one.


So i still don't know what i'll do, and i cant help feeling defeated with everything that's happening. All i want to do is wait, and hope for the best. But i still am so scared and i dont just want to wait and be left with nothing, even if there's nothing i can do.


My ssc elite squad, batch of 2004-2007 under our best coach jaan! We have trained together since young, we have memories of each other at such young ages that few others outside of our team would have of us. We have supported each other, gone out together and played so much together. Gala nites, maydays, our bazaar stall where we raised 1000 DOLLARS together, our captains! :D, all our telematches from when we were young (I was in dolphin! WINNERS), all our relays, all the asean cups, all the JICs, all the open champs, all the midget meets, all the JAGS/NAGS, all the school nats. All our movies, all the dinners at the club, when we used to play catching at the playground before training, where we inevitably had some of our crushes secret or not! We have shared so much together, and we have loved this team so much. There are just too many memories i think we wont forget.


I really still dont understand why this is happening, and i dont want anyone else to leave. But. Yeo, addy, howe, kat, benho, kang, yang, yang again, rachgoh, mayumi, yiwen, orion, kenneth, peck, russ, gareth, emily, samm. And even people like tammie, nat, michelle, bengoh, shinhan, t-yunn, den, douglas, elliot, sopisa, orisa, and such. I will miss this team so fucking much! Forever and ever you bet on it. I don't know what will become of us, what you guys are gonna do, or what i will do, but i just hope that you all will stay, so that i will have a reason to still be happy swimming. I LOVE YOU GUYS AND THIS TEAM SO MUCH.


To lose anyone of you will be a pain, and the risk of losing the whole team, is just too painful for words, because it is what i really swim for. I knew that it would end one day, but i didnt think this soon or sudden, while i am still a swimmer and am still swimming. I don't know what to do, but we're SSC SWIMMERS, SSC ELITE SQUAD 2004-2007, JAAN'S SWIMMERS forever and FUCKING FOREVER.

(PLEASE DON'T LEAVE, COS IF YOU THINK CAREFULLY, DO YOU REALLY WANT TO LEAVE? WE CAN DO THIS, AND WE SHOULDN'T SPLIT JUST BECAUSE WE WANT TO SHOW OUR UNHAPPINESS. LOVE PEOPLE!)

PS: MAYDAY NEXT YEAR EVERYONE COME TO THE CLUB AS A TEAM AGAIN! SET!


PPS: IF YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS THE SORT OF SHIT THAT YOU CAUSING RIGHT NOW, AND YOU DON'T CARE, EAT MY SHIT YOU FAT ASS!

posted by yao.  # 6:44 PM 0 Comments

This vid damn nice.

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And youre here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till were gone

posted by yao.  # 9:20 PM 0 Comments