COS' WE ARE WINNERS FOREVER
Saturday, January 03, 2009
say you will believe me
I just read my previous posts again. And I really felt like crying ): I'm so so different from who i used to be, WHAT i used to be. I don't think i can ever be the person that i was, or have the environment and friends that i used to have again. I'm not saying that my life as it is now is for the worst, but I cannot exactly say that I am glad of every aspect that I have changed in (: (definitely not!)
2008 has been a fantastic year, with SO MANY new things, realizations, exciting friends and responsibilities! It's the first year of my life of truly being a fully retired swimmer, and though i didn't think i would ever say this, I'm glad that i made the decision to do something new that i like. I still like swimming! But I only stayed cos of the friends, and it was one of the constants in my life (there are precious few constants now, so best friend i treasure you all the more for it!). Haha so isn't it terribly surprising now that i hardly even know any of the old ssc swimmers anymore! We used to call ourselves such old friends, but i guess it's just part of learning what life is about, when this year i find that we get so caught up with so many new friends and things that we cannot even find the time to go out with each other anymore (not even once!). Haven't talked to any of you for ages, should go out soon! (but that's we always say right you busy people). I guess sometimes, it's a matter of prioritizing!
I realise i may sound a bit sardonic, cos I may fail to realise that other people have more important commitments or even funner friends to hang with. But one of the things that I've learnt this year, is that we really really need to look back once in a while, and make time to reconnect with old friends and strengthen old ties. Don't you want to be able to look back 20 years down the road, and still share a common history that you can laugh about and draw strength from, with one of your closest and oldest friends? (Naomi i love you!) It would be a great shame if 20 years down the road you would pass your childhood friend you spent 10 years playing with, and not be able to recognise them. Not because of the difference in physical appearances, but because you forgot the people of your childhood.
One of the reasons i find myself blogging again, is because I am really really scared of the possibility that in the future, when i walk down nostalgia lane the only thing i would remember would be the bare facts of my childhood. The schools i came from, teams i swam with, awards i won. But i think when we grow old, those things aren't the kind of things we want to remember! Sure, that's what we are all aiming for now, but i think I want to reminisce about each and every important event of my life. Every outing i had, every training i died in, every practice i laughed at, every performance i had! I'm loving how my life is currently, LOVING IT ALOT, and the thought of forgetting everything makes me want to cry. So nowadays, i realise when i spam photowhoring, part of me wants to be able to treasure every moment of my life, and be able to keep the enjoyable moments i have with all my friends forever in some form.
Another thing that 2008 has made me realise, is that time passes too fast, and in such a way that it leaves you feeling that you've been cheated somehow. Because we are too caught up in the moment sometimes, or fail to truly realise how we can never go backward, but only forward all the way; we never truly really learn to enjoy and appreciate each moment of our life. Sometimes council work gets too fricking tiring and late at night we all keep complaining to go home. But 2 years down the road, when we are all on our separate paths (half of us in N-fricking-S!), i think we would really wish to go back to the times we spent with our friends, be part of the 28ths again, be a councillor again and resume all the tiring work we do (: (with so many many good friendships and fantastic memories too!). We must always try to enjoy each second of our lives with all our heart and sincerity, because that's the only way to live life with no regrets. I already regret that i didn't enjoy 2008 fully enough (even the horrible campaigning season omg, and especially orientation! it passed way too fast), because already i feel like going back (: I want to fully appreciate each second, so that I can be satisfied with moving on, and not let happy moments with my blessed friends just fly by me to become stale memories. Life rocks so we should fully enjoy it! (i know i've been saying life sucks, but that's because i'm stressed okay!)
In 2008, I'm so glad i made the big decision to run for council (i didn't intend to be serious about it even up till the interviews!), and to join dance (albeit that has mulitudes of problems attached). Quitting swimming was quite a sure thing already la. Getting jaded, falling out of touch with friends, and feeling like getting out of the pool the moment you start warm up is never a good indication of happiness!
Council has provided me with so much fun, learning and joy that i can never imagine not joining. I am so so greatful for the amazing numbers of friends i have found here, for the support they provide me, and fun we have together (:
Services! We are totally the
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PUI (: you may not know it but you make me so happy! Haha i am really really glad that you joined council too cos at least one of my best friends from RI can continue to build memories together with me. You always make me laugh haha but sometimes during school you can be terribly mood-swing okay!
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There are alot of people in council who have made me SUCH A LUCKY PERSON, love you guys so much (: xian, hoho, cheryl ang (LAODA), chiobu boss woman, wangwang, td, mingming, cheryl teo, and so many more. You guys (actually 90% of council la huh, like 80 people) have me the happy person i am most of the time (: and i never used to be this outgoing and strong! (y) I must say, i become stronger, and a better person merely from being a part of the 28ths :D
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I'm really glad i joined (modern) dance too, but i have also learnt alot of lessons from this choice. Haha when i first got in i was so excited and happy okay! I honestly did not expect to get in (: I must say, I loved it at the start, and i still love dancing alot. I may not be very good, but i still enjoy dancing (even if i look damn ugly noobing around haha). I think joining dance, has taught me some of the biggest (and harshest) lessons about myself. I think all of us naturally like to feel good about ourselves, but sometimes when i think about how i used to think and feel during certain pracs, I urgently feel a need to become more mature in my thinking, and more accepting of other people! Not everyone needs to be seen, if you're good you'll naturally draw people's attention no matter where you are. And if you're just horrid you'll make people puke if you're right in front anyway. Things always have a way of being more than they seem, just because we are not looking at things from an audience's (this isn't referring to dance performances specifically, about life in general) POV, never stand in the shoes of the people around us, but always observing and making judgments from our little narrow corner. Don't you think that is terribly unfair!
This year, I have learnt from people like yanhan and sharon (extremely horrific superwomen), to always be able to be mature, and see things from the view of everybody, and take charge of your own life. When you find yourself in a bad situation, don't you think that the best option to take would be to try to make the best of things and try your best to make things work, while learning from the experience! I don't want to ever be stuck wallowing in despair, and being a complain king, just because that would be so embarrassing even as i seem like a mere child in comparison to the successful mature people around me. We must always give others a chance too. Even when we hear bad things about someone, or have already made our own judgments of the person based on our own observations and interactions with him/her, it is no reason for us to treat the person badly and make life tough for them.
I think there have been so many instances this year that i have acted too immaturely, and stupidly (i cringe whenver i think of them!), a lot of people must have formed negative impressions of me from those experiences. Even if life is being really unfair, or someone is being a real bitch, what we must always do is to take it in our stride, and just make the best of things! People will not like you for being bitchy and hating the person (even if they share the exact same feelings too), but people will definitely admire you for always being able to be so mature in your interactions with others, and in dealing with situations in life. Turn our complaining into constructive assessments, and negative thinking into positive thinking, and I'm sure that's half the battle won (:
We should also NEVER, EVER, begin any interaction with anyone on a bad note, or form a negative dead-end relationship with them just because we do not like them. I am ashamed to say that I have formed some negative impressions of certain people this year, just because of what i hear from my friends, and superficial things i see of them; and when i actually do begin to really interact with them i find that they are just cool human beings like all the rest of us, albeit with their own faults (which all of us have!). Everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves, and everyone is interesting have redeeming qualities in their own way! We should never be too quick to judge, and as a result, be too quick to make assumptions just because we think we know better. Always keep and open mind, and an open heart (: I am also ashamed to say that i have actually shown my annoyance and negative feelings on occasion (especially in dance i am so sorry i don't know why i get so pissed), and actually make everyone feel stressed or unhappy. I think being the doom cookie is never good! And even though you may feel really dissatisfied, it is never justifiable to show your anger or confide your annoyances in others, because it would just add to the overall feelings of stress and discord. No one likes you for that, and no one would think better of you or understand you if you do not voice your opinions out in a mature and non-accusatory manner. (I must become more open-minded and less selfish!)
I regret that dance is nowhere as bonded or united as council, and my swim team, may have been. But i realise that sometimes we just don't give it a chance, or each other a chance. If we have something to say and don't say it out loud, that's definitely going to cause distrust and ill-feelings. If we want to be "glam" and exclusive no one can blame people if they do not want to hang out with you just because they have better friends cos you don't make space to welcome them. If all we want is for the world to see us (i must say, a lot of dancers are like this, not that this is bad! but isn't that natural for a dancer? after all, we may join dance because we like dancing, but part of it is also because we like people to watch us, and that is where a lot of false pride and selfish-ness stems from), then we cannot blame people if they say we are fake and stuck up.
Okay i think if anyone ever reads this i would have made alot of enemies so moving on! I think that in 2008, some of the things i regret most (besides the things i already mentioned up there!), would be:
1. Not keeping my promises to myself
So many times, i told myself i would do this and that, and as usual procrastination occurred! (or i plain forgot), but in retrospection, if i had managed to be disciplined and actually did everything i wanted to do, i could have so much more than i have now, experienced so much more than i have, and be so much more than i am now. Life gives us all the time and opportunities that we need, but all we need to remember is that we need to seize them and make them ours. (that's how the successful people do it! they can't all be geniuses!) A big regret in this area would be my promos, SATs, council work, and those lyrical jazz lessons i always found excuses to not go for! Also all the catching up with old friends that never happened, just because i never got around to doing them.
2. Neglecting my studies (YOU HAVE NO IDEA)
No comment. NEED TO FOCUS NEXT YEAR.
3. Being afraid to do something I know i would later regret not doing
This is something i made up by myself (so proud of myself thanks), and something that has been a daily note in my phone since july now. It's to remind me of missed opportunities, and missed friendships, just because we are afraid of failing, of not liking what we chose, or afraid of being rejected (this is effing scary). I am afraid of so many things. But i think the fear which makes us not be able to show our true selves, not be able to act normally, and not be able to reach out and grab hold of the things we actually really want, is something we have to overcome and remind ourselves about. Life can be so much better! Not everything will end badly, and not everyone will reject you being their friends, or not say hi to you when you say hi to them. That's one of the ways i learnt to be more outgoing and to make so many friends this year, just because i wasn't afraid (agreed part of the new courage stemmed from the realisation that alot of people thought i was really nice and cute, but the lesson about humility shall be talked about in another post). But there are still so many instances when i was afraid to go for the chance, or to open my mouth just because i was afraid, and don't you think that's SUCH a stupid reason to not get happiness? Don't regret not doing something just because you were afraid or lazy to do it in the first place, because the decision to overcome that always lies in your hands!
4. Not realising that life is how we live it
Life is how we live it! Think about it, and if you realise what it means, you can sms me to thank me! (This is another constant reminder in my phone haha)
5. Smoking through life
I think if we do something, it isn't very great to make your achievements sound bigger than they actually are, just because you want people to think better of you. Neither should we twist the truth, and make half lies/truths for the same reason, or to save us from embarrassment. Even worse, it is a bigger shame if we make excuses for work we haven't done, or make meagre half done work sound complete and bigger than they actually are. I would be lying if i said that no one was judging you but yourself. But then again, how can we be proud of our actions, or claim to be successful when half our life was made up of embellishments and smoking? The most successful and respected people are those who make light of their achievements and do not bandy them around, they are also the people who do only what they said they have done, and always do what is expected/needed of them. (I'm glad there are so many good examples this year i can learn from!) You do not need to make your ahievements sound better than they really are, or say that you have done things you haven't done, just to gain other people's approval - IT'S EMPTY APPROVAL.
For 2009 i must:
1. Keep my promises to myself
2. Keep an open mind
3. Be more mature
4. Be more understanding and be able to approach every situation with a positive attitude
5. Give everyone and equal chance
"To make new friends, you have to be one yourself" - chiobu boss woman
6. Remember the past even as i move forward in life
7. BE DISCIPLINED AND STUDY HARD (a recurring resolution every year)
8. Appreciate and enjoy each and every moment of my life
9. Set goals
10. Love life (: and try my best no matter what! (don't you think that instead of spending 1 hour doing something half-heartedly, and just wasting our time, our 1 hour could be better spent by concentrating and putting in your best in whatever you choose to do!) We have so little time to do the things we want to do, or live the life we want to live, so we should make full use of what we have and be accountable to ourselves by giving our best each time.
HAPPY 2009 (:
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